Where does our security come from?

I remember like it was yesterday. I was out on the playground with three other girls who were talking about boys. We were in third grade and I honestly didn't have a crush on any boy, but I wanted to fit in. After these girls whispered their secret crushes they asked me who I liked. I didn't have a secret crush but I thought I wanted to fit in so I picked one guy in my class that I thought was kind of cute. One of the girls ran over and told him, to which he immediately replied with "I don't like her, she has a big nose".  That opinion crushed my 8 year old heart and I went home and cried to my dad. He kissed my tear streaked cheeks and said, "Jen, I love your nose." He gently reminded me that it wasn't other opinions that mattered and that I was a beautiful girl. From that day on whenever I would feel insecure about something, he would encourage me and always end with "and, I love your nose." It became our little inside joke and it always built me up in a fun little way. My dad taught me a lot about what God's love is like. All the times I run around looking for acceptance and security in people or things when instead I need to come back to my heavenly father, and seek security in Him.

Recently I've been doing a bible/book study with some ladies in my church here in Davis. This study has been so influential in helping me examine my insecurity, and what the definition of insecurity is. I didn't realize how many different forms of insecurity were out there, some examples are: perfectionism, a constant need to make amends in relationships, unrealistic expectations on others... the list goes on. Just the first week of the study, God pointed out to me how much I valued other people's opinions and how I long to be accepted. How I constantly run to others to find security instead of him. The problem is that people hurt us, almost effortlessly. As I was reading yesterday, one paragraph jumped out at me, "In your pursuit of God-vested security, the only relationships in your life that will suffer rather than improve are the significantly unhealthy ones...Those that are the unhealthiest might not even survive at all." -Beth Moore
I realized in reading that phrase that I cannot cling to people to find security, that I can only cling to God when I experience discomfort and pain. God never promised his beloved that as long as they were pursuing him that everything and everyone else would work out great, that all our relationships would be resolved, but he did promise that he will never leave us or forsake us and his love for us is deeper than anything we can fathom.

 My husband is the best gift that God has given me. No other human relationship we have is as important as our relationship with each other. Nobody knows him like I do, and nobody knows me like he does. We know each other's strengths and weaknesses, which is why I am called to a higher standard in dealing with my insecurity. Even though the world is a brighter and happier place because we share it together, there are those days that feel like we have to fight off the world to keep our marriage whole. Despite all the love that we share we can't look to each other to fill our deep insecurity holes. We are imperfect people who constantly need Jesus, and who need to frequently address those times when we are weak. I have found that when I look to God to fill those deep holes that there is more of me to give to others, especially to my husband.
 I am looking forward to finishing this study with these ladies, and I highly recommend the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore.

Life is a busy poem for the moment

We’ve signed a lease at new apartment which will allows us to have a garden, a dog (if we dare), and we can paint! We are extremely excited about the painting and the fact that there will be more room and the refrigerator hum won’t wake us up because the kitchen and living room are separated! Oh, little joys I know but they are huge deals to us. I’ve already saving up for plants, flower pots, and paint cans. This month was also Mark’s half birthday so I bought some flowers, baked a cake, bought a bottle of wine, and made a card. He especially liked the poem.

intentional exposure

I've been feeling refreshingly vulnerable lately. Two weeks ago I was thinking about pushing myself to do something to be out of my comfort zone. I joined a gym and I go to a 5:15am morning cycle class on the Tuesday and Thursdays that I don't work and I have been trying to swim on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays. I swam at dusk last friday and it was gorgeous outside. There's something really cool about physical exertion that seems to awake all your senses. After a good work out everything tastes, smells, feels.. better. I really love pushing myself to go to bed earlier, waking myself up in the morning, and pushing myself to peddle harder or swim faster, the soreness pays off and I feel stronger each day.

 But, I felt that I needed to exercise myself in another area, and this was in the area of songwriting. When I write a song I feel that same "aliveness" that I do when I get a good work out in. I talked with Mark about doing a song a day for the month of February by asking friends to give me topics and then writing about whatever they send my way, but I balked and decided to just pretend the idea never happened. I didn't want to bother anyone. On Monday night the 31st Mark Bjerke had an idea, the next morning he surprised me with envelopes from the 1st until the 28th of song ideas that I must write about, and I can't look at them until the day of. I have posted a few to you tube but the first song I just recorded on garage band. I am so excited to not only exercise my songwriting skills this month but also my piano/guitar playing and time budgeting. At first I felt so selfish as to give myself time to "create" but once I started to view it as exercising, I couldn't get enough. I give myself 20-45 minutes to write and push my brain to think of rhymes and chords. Sometimes the songs end up silly, like one I wrote for all the pets I lost, and some ended up more serious about friendships that are no longer. I feel like I am a little girl again. I know that sounds funny but I have never felt so light-hearted since Mark provided me with this little project. Every day feels so brand new. I am so lucky to have a man that pushes me to live better and who likes to hear silly jingles and songs that I write.

If you're interested in hearing any of the songs just click the link below.


click here to go to the youtube channel

She shoots she scores!

Sometimes I get up before my brain does. I had my breakfast and headed to the shower and stepped in, I just forgot to take my shirt off. So I threw my tank top over the shower curtain and looked around the curtain to see where it landed... in the toilet of course. Thank goodness it was completely clean!
I guess this blog could also be titled the things she doesn't think.

Introduction

So here it is. Blog number 2. Ignore the design and maybe even the title, since I am working on this at midnight and might wake up with a completely different idea on how it should look and feel. This blog will be different from the last one in that I will be writing about more than just marriage. I hope to be open with my introspections and life in general. I will be posting lots of pictures and even things that God is teaching me. This experience will be humbling and will hopefully teach me to live daily. Please forgive me ahead of time if anything I say offends or frustrates you, and please comment or email me when it does! I hope to grow and one of the best ways for me to achieve that growth is through writing from a very vulnerable place. Here's to 2011 and whatever God has.